From Surviving, to Thriving with a High-Strung Emotional Child

Congratulations, you have a high-stung emotional child!

Now, for those of us who have a high-strung kid we need no clarification to what that entails (we survive their whirlwinds daily), but for those of you whom don’t live with a small tornado of a child under your roof let me explain.

Webster’s Dictionary defines high-strung as nervous and easily upset.Wonderful synonyms they list include: excitable, agitated, temperamental, sensitive, unstable…you get the jest, right?

High strung people (especially children) are a conundrum of emotion and impulsive responses, generally unable to detect what exactly sets them off, why, or when. Much like a tornado, fits from a high-strung child can land at any moment and wreak havoc on any given trailer park, you can’t always see the storm coming.

I was a high-strung child, I have a high-strung father, so it was no surprise to me when my son started showing signs at an early age. My mother is more Type B personality and always told my father that he may not have had to live with her, but she lived with him every single day. A statement, in retrospect, probably was not the best to speak over your child, but quite true.

High-strung children are often misunderstood as rowdy, impulsive, mellow-dramatic, stubborn, irrational, loud, moody and dominating. But although the dominant high-strung child receives more attention, there are also many quiet high-stringers out there who, instead of their impulse responses manifesting as outbursts and rage they are internalized, hidden as stress, depression, and anxiety (I was a beautiful combination of both growing up).

Studies have shown a correlation between “high-strung” people and Type A Personality Theory. Traits such as impatience, anxiety, urgency, mellow drama, and over sensitive all parallel both groups as well as titles including workaholic, high achiever, outgoing, motivated, short-fused and time scrutineer. Both groups have also been linked to higher risks of coronary disease, cardiac arrest, high blood pressure, and ulcers.

So how can we, as loving mothers, encourage our child to work to accept their emotions, and help them rewire their internal hardwiring? How can we go from surviving the overwhelm of their aftermaths to thriving with a high-strung, emotional child?

Mamas, you prep your bunker.

Just like smart folks living in Tornado Alley keep their storm cellar stocked and ready for the high winds, you too, must be proactive and ready to respond when the warning sirens of a high-strung child begin to blare.

Below are some tips I’ve learned through the years which will better equip you and your child to work together to build better tools and understanding in fight the challenges facing the high-strung child.

Tips for Mom

1. REMAIN CALM. If you take nothing else away today, keep this one. Remaining calm is the most important tool you will have to help both you and your child. One major component most parents don’t realize about these types of children is how the “high-strung” responses their child is exhibiting externally, is typically linked to an emotion internally. Emotions which the child is having an overstimulated reaction to because they don’t have the proper tools to understand or manage them.

You, remaining calm during the storm, will communicate many things.

First, your calm consistency will always be something they can count on. When their world is swirling around them in a blur, your calm and collected presence will be an assured safe place they can come when they don’t understand what is going on within themselves. Remaining calm shows your child how you love them so very much, even when they are not at their best.

Second, it shows your child how to correctly respond to their feelings. How, by remaining calm, they too can take a breath, calm their bodies, and think clearer to gain a better understanding of what may be upsetting them and causing such an elevated response. This is a priceless tool your child can develop to improve their self-control abilities allowing them to be able to stop, think, and problem solve in the future.

Third, calm creates strength in you, Mama. Handling a moment of emotion with a high-strung child is like jumping into quick sand that is already shoulder deep. Calm movement will produce better results. You never see a screaming loon etic jumping head first into the pit to save the sinking person, do you? Remaining calm gives you strength to get through this moment bravely, lovingly, with grace, and without the heavy guilt which may come with saying something in anger you later wish you hadn’t.

2. Identify their love language. Knowing what season your child is in for giving and receiving love will never be a bad thing. An anxious or hypersensitive child does not know what emotions will come falling out of them at any time and this can be frightening for them.

We Mamas don’t have all the answers for our kids all the time, some things will happen that we can’t help them fix or they have issues which take time to work out. In those moments of waiting the best action we can take is to love them through it well.

Having a bag full of ideas ready, specifically tailored to your child’s top two love languages, will help them feel loved and un-alone. It will also help the two of you grow closer.

3. Learn their personality type. Taking the time to identify your high-strung child’s personality type will be priceless. For example, your son may show dominant traits of a type A personality and becomes irrational and angry every time he can’t do something the first time. Knowing type A’s are driven by success, perfection, and taking action, will help you find the best way to approach this challenge with him. Knowing what helps motivate and encourage him forward as well as what frustrates or irritates his thinking process will have amazing benefits for him all around. Likewise, if your daughter is a type B you will know she may require some quite time to herself in order to best process her challenge and look at every possible solution before choosing one to move forward.

4. See them and help them to love and see themselves. One of the hardest challenges for a high-strung child is feeling lost among the crowd. They are often very aware of how hard they are working on something and they may feel they are putting in their best effort but still not producing their (or your) desired result, and this causes emotions to surface. A child’s academics are not always the only areas they struggle or face emotional distress. Smarter children often feel lost as they may be skilled in academics, excelling above their peers, but not grasp or be accepted in social norms. So never judge a high-strung kid’s mental well-being on the smile on their faces alone.

Help your child be proud of who they are. Help them know their strengths and grow in their weak areas. Show them how to build confidence and healthy self-esteem, this will help them go far when facing emotional challenges and make them more open to their differences instead of feeling awkward and judged for them. As they grow you will be able to learn and build techniques together which they will use as lifelong coping tools.

Above all, love them where they are at. Share with them that you are proud to be their Mama because they are just the way they are. One thing I like to do is point out super heroes to my son who do amazing things by being different but also share some of his emotional struggles. The Incredible Hulk is a big hit at our house. We even have a giant bear named Bruce “Bear”ner on his bed to help him be brave when he is scared or to sit with when he is having a strong emotion he can’t manage and wants some space.

5. Be aware of your words- do what you say you will. Change can be a trigger for high-strung people. Moms have to alter plans spur of the moment at times, and this can cause friction and worry with your child. It took us 5 years to help our son to be ok when we would run errands out of order. He likes to know exactly where we are going, step by step, and if we’d detour from our original plan, he would become completely outraged and violent at times. He has gotten better at it, but until last year surprises were out of the question. He completely shut down when we tried to surprise him with a trip to the movies with just us and his brother because we wouldn’t tell him where we were going. He wasn’t able to enjoy the movie at all because he was so upset inside.

Our son is also a VERY literal child with the memory of an elephant. This tends to be the case with most high-strung kids I meet. We have to be very careful if we tell him we will do something and the exact time we tell him we will be doing it, or when we make a promise. Having to break that promise due to unforeseen reasons can be devastating to him and cause and emotional explosion. So, if you tell a high-strung kid you are going to do something make sure you can follow through.

TIPS FOR YOUR CHILD

1. Have an outlet for them. If you have a high-strung child who’s processing technique is talking non-stop, literally bouncing off the walls or climbing on you all the time, find them an outlet fast!

These hyperactive high-strungs will wear you out fast, you need a physical and mental outlet for them to dump all that extra momentum they carry. Have them join a sport, keep a journal, teach them karate, anything that will help them get out energy AND stimulate their brains to teach them how to focus and be self-disciplining.

For your sanity, and I say this with love, having other adults you trust available for your child to talk to regularly about what they are feeling and dealing with will help relieve you of additional stress and in turn make your time with your child more quality instead of quantity overwhelm. It allows you to reboot your system to be at your best.

2. Takes breaks and encourage patience. Teach your child early the value of taking breaks. Whether it be a quiet time each day reading books or playing a short video game, help your child see you taking a break when you need one Talk to them about why you are taking a break, needing quiet calm time for yourself, and encourage them to do the same when they need to.

Many high-strung kids have a hard time sitting still or feel bored easily. This boredom can quickly escalate into unexplained anger or depression. Many kids have no patience and want to be onto the next activity immediately. I still remember getting anxiety every time a storm would knock out the power in our town as a child. My mother could sit there quietly enjoying a book in the evening while I would become overwhelmed with emotions. My body physically could not handle quiet. I had to learn (and it took me until adulthood) how to be still and just be without the uncontrollable anger that would surface when I did nothing.

Teach your child the value of patience and a body at rest.

3. Give them control of something. Outbursts and anger in children are usually a response to feeling like they have no say and no control over themselves or their situations. Give your child something to control. Establish in them their ability to choose. Give your child choices, ones which you would be fine if they chose either option. Love and Logic books are a great resource for building this skill.

4. Help them understand how they learn. Every person learns in a different way. Taking the time to identify the specific ways your high-strung child learns and processes input best, will save your butt in the long run in many different situations. Likewise, knowing how they don’t learn will benefit you as well. Being able to communicate effectively to your child will be the difference between their ability to retain your words or smashing a communication wall at 100 miles an hour.

Once you have an understanding of your child’s learning traits aredive in and discover tools to stick in your belt for later. Teach these tools to your child and encourage them to use them daily. Educate your kid on how they learn and help them to be aware of how they may need to adapt to reach their desired results.

5. Protect their sleep. Did you know, when us high strung folks don’t get the proper sleep it only increases our high-strung responses. Do your hyper kids just seem to bounce off the walls until they pass out? Or maybe you have noticed your kid wakes up angry every morning and grumps around half the morning.

Protect your child’s sleep at all costs.

Improper rest only overstimulates your already sensitive and stress child.

Pay attention to how much sleep they are really getting. Check on them throughout the night for a week and see if they are getting enough restful hours.

You may need to re-sleep train your child or transform their room into a more suitable sleeping space.

We recently adjusted our son’s sleeping habits and have seen drastic changes in his attitude and stress levels.

SKILLS TO BUILD TOGETHER

1. Boundaries and Expectations. Make sure as a parent you set specific boundaries and outline the expectations in your home. Many high-strung children need the routine, the knowing what to expect and the sequential rhythm throughout the house.

State clear rules and clear consequences, then, stick with them. Your wavering from the rules sends mixed signals and can trigger stressors for your child.

2. Communication. You can never really go wrong when you build better communication skills. If you care a good communicator, great! Keep making healthy communication a key for both you and your child. Incorporate tools into your daily routine which you and your child can use to express yourselves and translate your feelings.

If you are not a great communicator yet, do some reading. Take a class. Invest in brave listening and build from where you are at. The way we talk to our kids will determine how they communicate to us and others.

3. Be active together. Being active is a great way to expel all that bottled up energy your high-strung kiddo has 90% of the time. It reduces stress and helps our brains think clearer too. Being active TOGETHER is even better. Not only is activity great for our bodies, blood pressure, and focus, it helps build relationship with you and you child. Children who regularly take part in common hobbies and activities with their parents are more likely to talk to their parents about the difficulties they are having and more open to hearing their parents’ input and heed their guidance.

4. Learn their triggers. Make a list! Get a pen and paper or open a note on your phone. Start a record of what types of triggers set your kid off.

Are they grumpy when they miss a snack?

Do they listen better after spending quality time with you?

Do things get crazy when you add more than one or two kids to their mix?

Does your kid hate being interrupted?

Is getting dressed each morning a fight?

Foods! Do specific ones make them act like Tasmanian devils?

Pay attention to everything and write down anything your notice which causes an apparent response. Anything which makes you think, “Wow!” or “Hmmmm?” is probably list worthy. Have them help you with the list. Ask them if they can think of anything which upsets them or makes them uncomfortable. Writing down things which overexcite them wont hurt either.

Once you have your list it’s time to read between the lines and see if there are similarities or connections with some underlying emotion or issue.

For example, my son hates when his little brothers talk over him or when someone doesn’t let him fully explain his train of thought. These things both make him livid, and anger is his way of showing he feels devalued and unseen, which is his real trigger.

I bet if you looked close enough you too will see a pattern in what makes your high-strung kiddo go off like a rocket.

Start talking to your child about the triggers they have and work together to build tools for recognizing them before it’s too late. Also, come together and decide what actions you both can take when one of their triggers is alerted to best get them through the emotions which follow. In our son’s case, we have made it a priority to teach the other children to wait their turn and how to enter a conversation properly. We have also helped remind him what tools he has he can use when these things make him angry. This has helped my son a lot.

Kids in general are draining, but high-strung kids can be even more so. Make sure to take breaks when you can and don’t feel guilty if you find yourself overwhelmed or angry yourself for simply wanting some space or a minute to breath. Don’t feel bad asking for help. There is no shame in it.

Below are a few of my favorite books which have helped me be a better mother to high-strung kids and work though some of my own high-strung tendencies over the years.