I was THAT mom in the grocery store this morning ladies.
I had my 10-week old strapped to me, our almost fully potty trained 4-year-old shopping solo and a flat out pissed off 2-year-old screaming at decibels which would make dogs cry. After two potty breaks, a pre-shopping nursing session in the car, two diaper changes, sibling angst over Cap’n Crunch, and an hour-long tantrum rivalling that of a Mongolian general (animal crackers were involved) we made it out of the store in 2 ½ hours later.
It was a full-blown mutiny I tell you.
A few years ago I would have been the mom leaving the store, overwhelmed and embarrassed by the dirty looks from other shoppers. I would have cried over my feelings of inadequacy as a mother and ashamed by the judgmental comments the one jerk in the store always seems to make because he must know how to be a better mom than I.
I need to be honest, those jerks who choose to point out to an outnumbered or exhausted mom doing her best to make it from the house to the milk aisle the obvious struggle she is having, piss me off. She doesn’t need someone narrating the drama she has obviously right in front of her, she is living it. She needs supporters encouraging her, helping her, and backing up her best efforts.
Now that I have been a mom for a bit, I’ve worked through this and don’t let those feelings even enter the store with me. I’m not saying I let my kids run rampant though the store or don’t set expectations of how we should behave certain places, I’m saying when my kid has a bad moment and choses to express themselves and their opinion in a not so perfect manner, I use those moments as great learning opportunities for both my kids and those know-it-all offended shoppers I run into.
Children are made to be noisy, vocal, and expressive. They learn and discover the world around them through experiencing it first-hand. Though making a choice and living its affects. This is not my opinion, it’s a fact. They are human, just like you. How can children learn the correct way to act in a situation or place if we never allow first a failure in the direct environment we want them to present themselves better in? We don’t send an astronaut to space without first running them through the training simulator a thousand times, we can’t expect the perfect behavior from our child the first or fiftieth time we tackle the grocery store, or the toy aisle, church, or the library.
It takes A LOT of practice. I know adults who are still learning these skills well into their thirties. And, being human ourselves and mothers to boot, we should really be helping teach others to have grace in this area instead of helping fuel the fire of humiliation on these moms.
Here are 7 simple ways you can encourage or support a mom in these situations instead of shaming them. These work great in the grocery store but can easily be adapted to wherever you see a mom struggling.
1. Speak Encouragement.
This is the easiest and most well received way to encourage a mom tackling her toddler down the dessert aisle. You’ve probably heard it at least once, or hopefully have done it before.
Quick statements like:
You are doing great.
Keep up the good work Mama.
You’ve got this.
It will get better, I promise.
I’ve been there, stand your ground.
He’s having a hard time, don’t let it get you down.
You’re Momming like a Boss, keep going.
You are my hero Mama (I got this one during this escapade)
Are great ways to give a quick shout out translating to, “I see you. I understand. I’m supporting you.” Think Katniss Everdeen with her iconic two finger salute in The Hunger Games.
2. Ask if They Need Help.
Wrangling three kids, the cart, the purse, the shopping list, and the dairy section all at once is hard. A mom barely has the capacity to read labels let alone walk out without forgetting something. Reach out and ask if you can help if you see the need. Perhaps you could reach something, lift something, or help heard the wild coyote pups back to their cage. This might even look like asking a mom friend if she would like you to babysit while she runs to the store alone, giving her some much-needed alone time.
3. Call Out the Child.
Handle this one with care. Please use common good judgement when doing the following and DON’T EVERmake it your job to scold or physically correct someone else’s child. Unless you have been given that authority by the child’s parents it’s not your place.
I recently read a fantastic book about how mothers can influence their boys to be men of integrity. Boys in particular need males around them to start stepping up and showing boys how men act in a situation. If you see a mom with a stubborn kid mouthing off or throwing a fit, don’t be shy to strike up a conversation with the mom. Before your exit remind the kid in a stern but respectful way to listen to his mother or how his actions are not the way to act. Address the child, not the mom. The mom isn’t the one on the floor sobbing over snacks or tantrumming for a toy, the kids is.
4. Buy the Mom a Coffee.
One nice gesture is simply by doing something nice without expected reward for the mom. If you are in a place that has an independent shop inside it, like Target or Safeway having Starbucks, buy a drink or cookie for a mom you notice having a hard time who looks like she is on the brink of tears or who you find inspiring as she is managing a herd of crazy kids. Simply purchase the treat and have an employee deliver it to her when she is headed out. Write a note of encouragement on it for her or give the delivery guy a message to relay. Come on, you know this would make your day if someone did it for you.
5. Speak Up for Them.
If you overhear someone giving a mom a hard time or reprimanding her for her children’s behavior, walk your butt over and tell that mom how you see her doing her best and to not be discouraged by negative onlookers with pea sized perspective and planet sized opinions. Make sure to do this right in front of the negative Nancy. Bullying is not ok at any age.
6. Shop with Them.
There is safety in numbers, right? If you have a mom friend who doesn’t want to trek an adventure alone, join her with your crazy crew. You can keep her kids in line and her presence may do the same for yours. Or if you are out and about and see a mom looking overwhelmed, join her in her task. You don’t have to stalk her through the store, but just make a note to smile or connect with her throughout the store as you cross paths. This will help everyone not feel so alone. Backup is something even cops call for, so moms deserve some too.
7. Reinforce Good Behavior.
One of the greatest tools you have to help another person’s kids do better at something is by seeing them, recognizing their efforts. If you don’t like being annoyed by a kid screaming in the store or running rampant through the halls of church, see them, and tell them how much you appreciate their good behavior when they are acting appropriately. Calling out the good you see them will help them want to be called to a higher standard, it will give them a feeling of achievement being seen by an adult, almost as if briefly being an honorary member of the grown-up club.
Mom shaming is a real problem in our culture today. This is not ok.
If we want to fight the mass depression and anxiety plaguing our country then the solution must start with us, the women. God did not make women social beings in order to gossip. He did not give us a heart to gather and raise our children together in order to promote negative self-image and worthlessness. He fashioned us this way for strength. To come together and call out the best of our sister, not her lack. To raise her up in support and love, that her children may model her qualities and do the same for others.
Women, mothers, we are a pillar in the fights for mental health. We are the voices in our children’s ears, the voices of hope to moms battling depressing thoughts, the voice helping build boys into men of good character. This is how we, as “only mothers”, can change the world, and it starts at the grocery store. It starts in the aisles of Target, the pizza place, the pumpkin patch, and the toy stores. It starts any place we see a need of encouragement, a helping hand, or a pat on the back to another mom feeling like she in failing or not enough.
It is effortless and weak to blame and shame a mom.
It is influential and strong to call them into their identity.
Boldly Being Mom 